I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
