Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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