just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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