I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I am mentally ready for anal.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
