i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
