Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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