My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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