Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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