i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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