I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
