i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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