Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
