if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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