No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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