my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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