Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
