who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
