Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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