my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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