i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
