he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
