So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
