I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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