I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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