hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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