so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
