Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think your dad took our porno
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
