see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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