My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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