Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
