cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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