Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
