I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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