Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
