my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
two words: eviction party
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
