I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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