I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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