So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
