You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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