her vagine was all disorganized.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
