Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
