respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Dear god my vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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