hotel room ftw
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
