I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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