Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
