I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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