I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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