woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
40s are totally the cure
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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