Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
