So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
